Back burner blessings

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First things first, hello world! Let me just virtually sigh, ready? *sighs*

I have to sigh because I feel like a hypocrite! My whole reason for creating this blog x amount of years ago was to have an outlet for expression, no matter if many people read it or not. Here we are almost one full year later since my last blog post and my efforts in blogging and personal projects I put to a halt. Was it fear? Uncertainty? Tiredness? Knowing myself it was all of those things and more. You see, I stay inside of my head A LOT. I have ideas and ways I want to change things about myself for DAYS. Yes, DAYS. I could go on and on about what they are or were but why revisit the past that caused me a lot of hurt?

My sister used to say to me a few years ago, “I’m not going to RSVP to your pity party.” Well thanks, sis. 🙂 When she would say that to me I’d be so mad and just wanted her to listen, which she did. But it wasn’t until I got out of the funk I was in that I fully realized what she was saying. Yeah, she’d listen but I had to realize that it wasn’t any good for me whining and complaining about what wasn’t working. Heck, I didn’t want to go to my own pity party! However, I attended every chance I could to be sad or stressed about something. It was the easiest thing to do, be sad. But I was making things harder on myself. Fast forward to the start of 2018 I can write a list of things I started but didn’t finish. Or, how I spent so much time being silent instead of speaking my truths. But again, why revisit the past? I’ll revisit briefly to say I was depressed and I need to own that and confront it. For the first few months of 2018 I was mentally drained.

As a teacher this past school year, I experienced a lot of changes that for me was a lot to handle. I didn’t seek help, I didn’t even write it down! Me, the writer, I was so stressed and in a strange, dark place, I didn’t even write. Wow. For me that’s a big wow because writing for me has always been my medicine when I’m down, the happy space even when I felt sad. But I didn’t even give myself the room, space, mindset, clear mind to even jot a single word. Wow. I think about it now about how much time I wasted, how could I! Beating myself up inwardly won’t help ANYTHING. But here and now today, I’m putting purpose to my words. Purpose. I ask God almost everyday, “What is my purpose?” “Lord, what should I do?” Sometimes I think I hear him and other times I can’t be sure.

But it is my faith that God knows me and like my mom says to me, “God knows our hearts.” I am a believer of that. I know I’ve wasted time but I am far from being finished. See, I even gave myself the space and time to write something now. There was a Law & Order: SVU marathon on today, and while I did catch a few episodes I said, “Self? Turn OFF the TV!” So I did. I’ve seen basically all of the episodes anyway so, ha! But when it comes to the episodes of my own journey, the reruns of self-doubt aren’t healthy and I know I have to get out of that frame of mind. Some days I feel really confident, and others? Yeah, working on it.

I write all of this to express, no more back burner blessings. The only thing that happens it’s just forgotten in the back. So much so that not even a flame on to spark and heat up those blessings. I, us, WE, let’s bring our blessings forward, turn on that flame and watch the recipe of our dreams heat up.

From my heart to yours,

-Lish

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