As I “March” into this new month I have to say first, I am thankful. I am not just thankful for the positive but also the ways that I have handled situations that could’ve brought me down. I am thankful that I have a relatively “can-do” attitude about where I am in my life right now. Nothing is ever perfect, and I have done my very best to not complain or be bitter, even when some days can get harder than others.
I am actively working towards improving who I am, and it can be a struggle. I like to think of myself as a person who can get along with anyone and be consistent no matter who it is. But as I often think about my growth over maybe the last 15 some odd years, I think about if I am a little too giving. Since elementary to high school I was dubbed either the quiet, shy, or nice girl. There isn’t anything wrong with those adjectives but it makes me think about who I am today. Have I changed? Do those descriptions still fit who I am? I don’t mind being called quiet or nice but I wonder if it really means anything to those I encounter.
Sometimes I’ll catch myself doing a gesture for someone else, and then I don’t always feel like I get the same in return. Most times I think it’s just me being kind, while other times I’m not sure if I am being overly nice. I am not desperate for anyone to like me. However, there’s apart of me that does contemplate if I am seeking some sort of gratification or gold star for my own self. My niceness happens often with family, friends, and more and more at work. I don’t aim to be the ‘yes man’ or er, woman but it does happen.
There are occasions where I really want to say “No” but I may not want to disappoint or upset someone. There are also moments where I feel like a family member or friend just assumes I’ll say yes anyway. When did I become so predictable? It would certainly be a change of pace to be known as someone who’s a rebel, party girl, or the cool friend that’s down for whatever without morality kicking in, which is typically how I operate.
But I know I’ll never really be known as something like a rebel. Though going out of my way to be so friendly has become scripted, making me want to say,”Hell no” or not extending olive branches to those who don’t reach for it. Far from a pushover, but neck and neck as an easy mark. Which begs the question, “Am I too nice?
The nice girl